遠方的門 李秀---台文 、英文 、中文 童詩、新詩、散文、小說、翻譯。 The World of Literature in Three Languages by Louise Lee Hsiu

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彼年熱天，毋知是為著啥物，厝邊彼位港務局長，竟然真熱情邀請初初新婚無偌久的三兄、三嫂看電影，彼个年代去電影院看電影是一種正式的約會。三兄親像無界有意願欲去，但是伊叫我陪媠噹噹的三嫂做夥去就好。倒佇病床的老母，看著三兄拍算無欲出門的款，伊連鞭顯出真著急按呢講：「恁攏總去看電影，毋通拒絕人做大官的好意。」

　　「我想欲留佇厝內陪阿母就好。」三兄講。
　　「阿母，阿我咧？」電影是我上歡喜的興趣，講欲看電影，我的心老早就飛去電影院囉，完全毋知影老母心內隱藏的「陰謀」。

等當阮浸入故事情節，正爿銀幕現出驚人的字幕：「李秀等人，家有急事，速回。」
　　傱出戲院，火速隨著三嫂搭上三輪車，直直走高雄市立醫院，遠遠就看著一陣穿白衫戴白帽仔的護士佇大門口議論紛紛。見到三嫂，伊的同事，即刻圍過來，面色暗淡按呢講：「In已經轉去矣。」

　　「我阿母到底發生啥物代誌？」我撥開慢慢仔是的三嫂，直衝到護士面前。
　　「發現傷慢，送來醫院的時，伊就已經斷氣矣。」

　　烏雲啊，請你趕緊融做雨！通好替身為囝兒的人哮出目屎，因為現此時胸坎鬱卒，無法度哮出任何聲音出來。

阿母打桶倒佇廳前的時陣，無管大人的禁忌，我偷偷仔抱牢牢阿母的頭，正手的指頭仔捏牢銅色的頭毛夾仔，足細膩、輕輕仔掣掉拄莩(puh)出來佇阿母額頭頂懸一支一支的幼毛。平常時阿母真悿的時，攏愛倒佇六疊的榻榻米歇睏，叫我替伊做頂頭的這款工課，續落來叫我佇伊的鬢邊掠掠咧----

　　廿幾冬後，覆鼎金公墓，市政府公佈需要重新規劃，母親的墓煞愛徙走，所以阮愛共阿母拾金做另外妥當的打算。
　　抾金彼日，我穿彼領當年阿母唯醫院穿轉來的衫褲，我想按呢伊較有法度認出我，嘛予伊真緊著牽連彼條母女被斷割的緣份。

母親走了後，我時常胛脊後等侯人無注意的時陣偷鼻伊衫頂所留落來的味，沿仔數念伊沿仔流目屎。平常時定定佇做夢掠袂著彼份親情，或者嘛會佇這款場面出現，我講：
　　「阿母！妳終其尾予我揣著矣，我就無相信汝已經死去！」我確確實實攬抱彼款熟似的身軀。

　　「莫按呢米糕瘍好無，攏遮呢大漢矣。」阿母想欲共我搡(sak)開。我拼命攬牢牢無愛放伊走，絕對袂予伊閣再離開我。伊走去叨位，我就纏綴到叨位，伊最後無法度就投降矣，而且允准我做伊的影，我就知影唯細漢到大漢攏是我嬴，兄哥攏笑我真有撒奶的功夫，當然啥物代誌老父老母攏嘛聽我的意思，嘿！嘿！當然囉，每擺當等我歡喜這款場面的時陣，最後就有夢醒使人厭氣的時刻….. 即馬這工拾金的日子，親像欲去會見我廿幾冬前，雄雄失散的慈母。

工人佇凸凸的土頂一鏟一鏟挖落去，一層一層撥開阿母彼个斷腸深鎖的厝內，彼个捶心頓肝的棺材色水，即馬已經予地氣蛀褪色變成慘淡的沉臺。我已經等袂牢四分之一世紀透暝透日的走揣，現此時有一个點，至少也捌目睭金金看著我親愛的阿母佇這个所在落去矣。我無管別人的想法，「咻」一聲就規身軀跳落去阿母的所在，數想鑽入暝日思慕的慈恩。母親落土時，我慄掣的雙手為伊冰冷的雙腳穿入彼雙皮底黑色的鞋仔，即馬佇日頭赤炎炎的時陣，雄雄映入我的目睭前，我…我…親像欲哮出滿山滿海的怨屈，我…我…欲向阿母汝怨嘆，阿母…汝知無…汝奪走查某囝歸世人的親情甘露，阿母…汝有聽著查某囝拆腹斷腸的哭訴？

　　工人佇邊仔搖頭吐氣，叫我冷靜一下，in較好辦代誌。我想遮工作人員絕對想袂到，廿幾年前母親下葬的時，伊的查某囝是按怎拼命參工人拍鬥，只是因為in欲將我親愛的母親「活靈靈」搡入暗無天日的洞內。最後是予阿爸煽動講欲答應起一間小厝佇阿母的邊仔，通好予我會當陪伴獨獨留佇荒山野外的阿母才準算，事後雖然為著這段失去理智的有孝歹勢，但是一个人無老母是欲按怎活落去…

捧著母親拄出土的顱骨，春日燒風一陣一陣吹來，叫人沉沉想欲睏。細漢的時，我時常覆(phak)佇阿母的胸前睏去，現此時母親就佇我的胸前，我嘛佇伊的胸前，阮是按呢相依相靠，但是閣按呢遙遙萬里遠。

　　將胸坎內母親的顱骨，閣有四肢、每節的手指腳趾，好親像一件一件珍貴的藝術品，謹慎安囥佇大埕頂面曝日。目睭金金絕對袂使應允胡蠅、野貓晉前來覺擾，親像我童年走閃空襲的時，我攏愛倒佇土腳草坡頂面，阿母嘛是按呢為我趕走規陣嗡嗡叫的胡蠅。

　　阿母頭殼頂正爿有一叢烏暗色，莫怪伊在生不時喝頭殼痛，原來痛入骨內，可憐的阿母! 伊的後齒摸起來猶原真勇，這是愛囓(kheh)澎湖柴魚和土豆的結果矣! 我用手腫頭仔來回摸伊凹入去的鼻龍骨，閣再摸家已的鼻龍骨，我共囝兒講，媽媽以後大概就是這款樣。

　　In笑笑看我，並無回答我的話。是呀，到彼時in欲去叨位揣我的頭殼骨？我捌交代in媽媽的器官會當捐就攏捐出去，嘛無需要佔用台灣這塊有限的土地，當然將我火化，然後掖佇海頂隨風飄流，總講一句愈簡單愈好。後生滾笑講：「倒佇馬桶沖掉，毋是閣較簡單？」

　　以前定定聽人講「天下無不是的父母」，現此時按呢講「天下無不是的囝兒」。以前若有人佇我阿爸抑是阿母的面頭前無細膩講出「老去」（死的意思），我會氣甲決定以後無愛參這個歹人相交纏；即馬我竟然有法度佮後生查某囝參詳我的後事，囡仔嘛感覺真自然。歡喜in無像老母彼款對親情深重的綿爛。

     Once upon summertime, my neighbor, a high-level government executive, warmly invited my newly married third brother to watch a movie. Such an invitation was a special honour in Taiwan in 1960. My third brother looked dispirited but he wanted me to go with his beautiful wife. Lying in her sickbed, my mother saw that my third brother was not leaving. She was so anxious that she urged us to go.

 “You guys should go, don’t refuse the officer’s kind invitation!”

 “I will stay home to look after Mom,” third brother said.

 I moved my gaze from my brother to my mother then tried to hide a sniffle, I asked, “How about me?”

I was addicted to films. My mind was already in the theatre. I was so excited that I completely failed to notice my mother’s depressed state of mind. Later, while we were involved in the plot of the film, we suddenly saw on the right side of the movie screen these words: “Lee Hsiu, your family has an emergency. Please go home as soon as possible.”

We sprang up from the movie theater and rushed to the Kaohsiung Hospital. Mother’s illness was always a great worry to me. However, she had seemed to be much better before we went to the movie. I hoped her condition was not too serious.

     “What happened? Is something wrong with my Mom?” I rushed toward my mother’s hospital room and cried out. A crowd of nurses stood in front of the hospital hall where they were sadly discussing my mother. I waited in the doorway of the hall, shivering and listening, wanting to go to my mother, but afraid to go lest there be some sight there more terrifying than I could bear.

     “She was found too late to rescue. We are so sorry!” a nurse said.

     I swung around, “What did you say? How is my mother?”

     “She passed away before she arrived at the hospital.”

     I heard a rustle of things behind my sadness of heart---I couldn’t see them. The thick cloud melted the rain instead of my tears because I couldn’t cry my heart out this moment.

Even though I knew she was no longer living, disregarding the traditional taboo, I touched my mother‘s head and my fingers softly subdued her migraine and gently pulled out the hair on her forehead as if she was still alive. In Taiwan, older women like their hair line higher up from their forehead. It is considered more beautiful. Usually when my mother was tired, she liked lying down and being massaged or having the new hair on her forehead cleaned up by her daughter…

Twenty years after Mother passed away, government policy forced her grave to be moved to another place. The land was needed for building new homes. Thus we needed to pick up her bones and find a nice place to rebury them. When we picked up her bones, I wore her underclothing that she usually wore at the hospital. I felt that my mother would more likely connect with me because she could recognize her very familiar clothing. After Mother died, whenever I missed her I smelled her body’s fragrance from this underclothing.

Everybody has been hurt or wounded, simply because it is impossible to have a life that generates only pleasant experiences. It does not matter what circumstances you were in; you might have become hurt and lonely anyway. Likewise, I adored my parents and enjoyed their love very much.

Therefore, when they passed away, I felt that it was the end of the world. My happiness suddenly faded away. Dreams were the only way to see my parents. I could dream about them. However, when we met in a dream, I couldn’t always hold on to the situation for a long time. Hence I desperately grasped my mother’s arm when I dreamed of her again.

 “Mom, I have finally found you .I don’t believe you have died.” I really hugged that familiar body and wailed.

“You don’t have to hold on to me this way. You are now grown up.” She said gently shoved my hands away. I couldn’t let her leave me once again. She walked away, but I followed her. I never gave up my pursuit. At last, she surrendered herself to my persistence and let me be her shadow. Whenever I longed for this kind of dreamland, I was very irritated when I woke up. Now that I picked up her bones and skull, it seemed as if I were really meeting my mother twenty years after she died.

After the workers had opened the outer coffin, I hastily jumped into the grave in order to once again be close to my dear gracious mother that I cherished day and night. I saw my mother’s black shoes in the coffin and felt the unbearable misery of losing my Mom. I remembered putting black shoes on her cold feet with my shivering hands twenty years ago when she was coffined.

 “What is that crazy lady doing?” the workers asked my family. Evidently, I was strange in some way. In fact, these guys didn’t know I had done a more unbelievable action when my mother was buried twenty years ago. At that time, I struggled with the workers placing my mother’s coffin in the ground, because I couldn’t stand that they were putting my mother into a totally dark cavern in a desolate mountain.

After the workers finished picking up the bones, I sadly held my mother’s skull. The summer wind brought back a strong memory. I often slept in her arms, yet this moment she lay in my arms. We were so close together physically, yet so remote from each other.

Having to dry the bones, I placed my mother’s skull, four limbs, various fingers and toes like a series of artistic treasures which would be rarely found in the world on square cement exposed to the sun. I watched that the flies, cats, or dogs didn’t come to disturb them. Similarly, when I was a child, my mother always carefully drove away the flies for me.

I touched my mother’s micro concave nasal bone. I told my children, “I probably will have this shape.” They looked at me with a smile, but no answer. Of course, by that time I will have no skull because I already told them that if I pass away, I did not want them to bury my body. Instead, I preferred they burn it to ashes and scatter them in the ocean to drift with the wind. That will be more comfortable with the limited land resources in Taiwan. Hopefully my funeral will be as simple as possible. My son once cracked a joke, saying “It would be more convenient to flush your ashes into the toilet, wouldn’t it?”

 In the old days, the world was all about the parents. Now the world is all about children. I was so worried about my parents passing away that I couldn’t think about their death. Now my children and I openly talk about life after I die. Joyfully, they do not, like me, feel the need of their parents’ presence so much.