Once i thought i’ve taste enough sadness when i first found love. i felt disappointed, exhausted, and frustrated, but then i realized it was not love itself, it was cowardice.
Again i’ve fallen in love. i thought there’s no sadness in it anymore, but again, i’m wrong. Not just sadness, but doomed tragedy. Is it doomed? It is doomed because i’m a girl in love. I adapt myself to be loved, forget the way i was to be loved, and abandon all my confidence to be loved. I’m proud, but not confident. I wish i could disappear coz nobody would care about it. I’m NEVER good enough. I’ve heard that GOOD without GOD is 0 (zero). Do i have to look for a God to believe?
Never mind it is the tragedy of my personality or my love style. It doesn’t matter. Love has ensured my self dinial. Strangely, i kind of enjoy it coz i need love to feel safe. He’s always better than me. i don’t know what and why i compete with him subconsciously. For me, love is just like a game of gender power. We always want to surpass one another and expect the praise and worship. You know, girls never win. Once they win, they’ll lose it all. Do you know why dogs and cats are pets? Because they are cute and can be tamed. So are the girls. I don’t mean there’s nothing good being tamed and being cute. I can only say that it takes me much time and patience to face the reality. One can tame a dog or a cat easily, but never a leo. We are the king and queen and the two only residents in our little kingdom, how do we rule each other?
If you say love should not be played in this way, then i would say you’re wrong. The whole world is made of power. Sometimes power is invisible, but in love we see it and want to control it. I never want to be a feminist, but i can’t help thinking in a feminist way. And i never want to say my love is a chauvinist, but i know he can’t help doing in a chauvinist stereotype. I’m not cute, nor tamed, nor stupid (well...in some way). I just want to be myself.
I once imagine to be the rose of my little prince. Rose cannot protect itself even though it got thorns, and i cannot protect myself even though i got my pride.
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