"I started inventing things, and then I couldn't stop, like beavers, which I know about. People think they cut down trees so they can build dams, but in reality it's because their teeth never stop growing, and if they didn't constantly file them down by cutting through all of those trees, their teeth would start to grow into their own faces, which would kill them. That's how my brain was."
-Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close-
That's how my brain has been.
I started thinking and then talking, and then I couldn't stop.
If I don't constantly give them out by expressing,
my thoughts would start to grow from my brain into my heart, which would kill me.
I know I've been holding the grenade.
I'm the one deciding whether to ignite it or not.
This time, I get options.
This time, I can choose.
But I don't want it to explode, so I hold it tightly in my hand, not let it fall.
"We need enormous pockets, pockets big enough for our families, and our friends, and even the people who aren't on our lists, people we've never met but still want to protect...But I know that there couldn't be pockets that enormous. In the end, everyone loses everyone."
-Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close-
I know it, in the end, everyone just loses everyone.
I've tried hard to prevent it, though it happens anyway.
But I also know I'm not supposed to give in.
This is the last thing I'll do: let you lose anybody who is important to you.
That's the last thing I'll do.
So I hold the grenade tightly, in my hand.
"I wanted to protect him, which I was sure I could do, even if I could not protect myself."
-Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close-
I'll protect you, which I was and am and will be sure I can do, even if I cannot protect myself.
But it doesn't matter at all. Not at all.
So I hold the grenade tightly, in my hand.
I won't let it fall.
But then one day,
when the time comes,
I'll find a place where no one is around, and ignite it, in my hand.
Let the wind take me with it.
Let everything back to nothing.
Let everything back to zero, from scratch.
Let the wind take me with it, to somewhere I can replant my roots, for good, if it's needed in the end.
Despite the fact that I've already planted them deep deep enough.
No one can pull them out.
I won't let you lose anyone who is important to you.
I won't let it happen: everyone loses everyone.
No one will lose anyone.
I'll protect you, even if I can't really protect myself.
I'll find a place where there is no one nearby, so that no one will get hurt.
Trust me.
