Like walking through a dark forest alone, I keep vigil for myself in the midst of hopelessness, depression, anger, loneliness. . .
It's already hard to differentiate what comes from you and what from me.
The heightened sexual energy is probably from you; anger is from myself. The loneliness from you; the feeling of homelessness and hopelessness from myself.
I do not have the option to "opt out" ..
I can't afford to not feel the tenderness toward and care for you, in order to not feel the pain.
I can't afford to numb myself by dating others, in order to not feel the loneliness.
I know .. if I choose to be weak-minded now, I won't be able to offer a clear mind, an open heart for people who come to me for help.
I don't have the option to compartmentalize my feelings, to not accept the suffering, because they are all part of being alive..
Only by drinking the poison myself and survive it will I know the medicine, the cure for loneliness, depression, hopelessness . .
God knows that I want a home of my own, to feel safe and nourished, to not have to hide in my room at the time of sadness.
God knows that I want a man of my own, to care for and to be spoiled, to not hesitate to call for help when needed.
It hurts. Still so fresh and sharp.
The pain humbles me. I feel like a giant warrior trying to stand, to root deeply into the earth, when the mudflows and landslides are flushing away many living things . .
Then I remembered ... It is this choice to stay strong and true to oneself when the pain is unbearable that makes one a hero.
Then I realized ... Your choice to keep your personal life simple and somehow sacrificed allows you to stand strong for your employees, your company.
And my choice to experience the multifaceted flavors of life, to taste the sufferings of many others keeps my heart open, vulnerable, and sensitive for my work..
Bear with me with the writing. I have been walking in the dark forest since last night.
I want to truly go through it, instead of repeating the suffering and entanglement week after week.
Writing you eases the pain temporarily and makes clear my thoughts..
