自從 Alan 更確切地說他這星期三會來我們道館練習，會教我「飛」之後，我便安心地每天靜心，細心地傾聽身體的訊息，能量弱了就休息、或轉移做些讓自己感覺安穩的事情，我感覺心思有些亂的時候，就做一個「光的靜心」（我亂取名的，這是最近在課程裡學到的靜心方法，能讓我全身細胞像是光分子一樣輕盈震動，是個威力強大的靜心）；我感覺身體能量太沈重雜亂的時候，就做脈輪呼吸靜心；我感覺失了穩定流動的節拍時，就練太極拳。
我不是為了在 Alan 面前展現自己的好，而臨時抱佛腳；我只是因為能見到他，而不怕寂寞。
靜心越多，有時，我越感寂寞。在我能流暢地表達自己內在狀態之前，身邊的人不容易懂我；而我的能量與意識狀態越乾淨，在沒學會保護自己之前，我就越容易被別人的能量與思緒影響。這些，都是現階段的我掙扎著的議題，我刻意減少社交活動，我既懷念大量靜心的愉快安定，又為自己的單身生活感到孤寂，而對能量越來越敏感的我，確實也無法像之前那樣嘗試與不同的人約會。
我不知道 Alan 怎麼面對這份寂寞，也許這是他抽煙的原因之一，也許這是他跟別人說話時故作虛浮痞子的原因之一，有時我想，即便我的靜心程度是如此的粗淺，我的存在，對他或許也有特別的意義，或許在與我的互動裡，是他少數不用裝輕浮膚淺的時候，是他少數不用跟著無意義話題打轉的時候，他的力量可以呈現，我不會害怕，他偶爾隱隱生氣，裡頭的力量是駭人的，但我不會害怕，只會直接地搓破他的語言與恐懼，讓他知道我不會為了他的弱點而改變我存在的方式。
我們是這樣交往著的，底下的意義重大，即使表面上看起來沒什麼，我不知道他怎麼做自己那邊的功課，但在我們的超慢速度交往裡，我看到好多自己過往的記憶回頭尋我，習慣性地懷疑自己的價值，無法抑制地故意要去惹毛他，好讓他放棄我們的情誼 （他總是在簡短的幾句話裡把我拉回中心，我因此還沒斷交成功）；我對於婚姻的假想，想要什麼樣的丈夫？想要什麼樣的互動關係？物質生活與靈性生活之間如何取捨？非營利事業的夢想，會怎麼與我的婚姻生活相互支持？我緩慢而積極地不斷思索著這些問題。
在讀一個合氣道大師的採訪時，他說與他太太結婚四十多年的時間裡，不曾吵過架，因為他們是透過宇宙能量連結在一起的，朝夕相處，使他們的能量一直在互相給予、流動的狀態，若是與對方爭執，就像是在跟自己的一部份打架一樣。
我覺得我有點懂。不是在道理上懂得，而是在實際經驗裡，我唯一能感覺到與 Alan 有真實連結的時候，或者白話點說，我唯一能感覺到他的存在的時候，可以想起他的樣貌與氣質的時候，就是我能與宇宙能量連結的時候，那是我們連通的管道，在其他的震動頻率，是的，我們可以互動，我的小女孩還是不時跑出來搗蛋玩耍、或灑嬌，我的自我意識難免讓我多說好幾句話，但即便是在這些片刻，我可以清楚感覺到我們的連結發生在兩人的「觀照者」之間，我們是一起看著這些小女孩、小男孩的把戲的，只要有一個人在中心，或者看誰先回到中心，這個人就能簡單輕鬆地把另一個人點醒，我們因此還不曾在「人格」的層次耗費能量，若兩人繼續用功努力、也繼續這樣超慢速前進，也許我們的關係可以形成一個光亮的宇宙中心，讓兩人分別的坑坑洞洞、過往的傷痕，都慢慢在這個光亮中心被慈悲地轉化。
＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊
在學校圖書館意外發現一本有趣的書 [Diary of the Way]，作者深入採訪了三個合氣道、氣功、太極拳大師，我一翻開書，就捨不得合上，無奈這本書大概已經絕版了，1976出版時才六塊美金的書，現在網路上一本要價兩百多元美金，無法擁有，就來做筆記吧！希望這筆記可以一路伴隨我一生的修行。
合氣道大師 Yukiso Yamamoto語錄
身心合一的移動：
When first learning Aikido movements I thought, “Oh yes, now I must move this way.” But gradually I stopped conscious thought. I just moved, my mind and body together.
鍛鍊中心，與天地合一：
Within yourself you have on point which is the center of you. It is your center of gravity. We call this your one point. To become one with the universe you must imagine that the universe itself is concentrated inside your one point. To do this, I concentrate. I keep dividing the universe in half until it is infinitely small. I just think, “Smaller, smaller, half, half, half, half…” Concentrating, I bring the entire universe to my one point, to one microscopic point. Now I am one with the universe.
氣的延伸：
Next I practice expansion. I imagine ki of the universe flowing out from my one point, traveling forever in all directions. I extend into space. Now I am centered. Space is limitless; it has a limitless radius. Because of this, no matter where I stay I am always center of universe. If I move on hundred feet to the left, I am still in the center! So no matter where I go – up, down, side, or like this – I am always in the center of universe.
面對攻擊的態度與藝術：
We look at everything in the positive in Aikido. When someone attacks you, he gives you a present of his strength. To make use of this gift you must know how to receive it.
When someone hits you, he is extending his ki toward you. His ki starts to flow even before his body moves. It starts when he thinks he will hit you. And before he can hit you he must think he is going to hit you. His actions are directed by his mind. So, we do not need to deal with his body at all if we can redirect his mind and the flow of his ki. This is the secret: lead his mind and ki away from you and his body will naturally follow.
To lead his mind you must not upset the flow of his ki or give him bad feelings. If you touch his body, you do not push or pull or hit. All these give bad feeling. You touch softly and gently in order to lead his mind. His mind thinks, “This feels good,” and so his body follows.
To lead his mind you must keep centered, so you will not be thrown off course. Then, try to feel his ki before it reaches you. This is a sensitivity training, to be sensitive to the flow of another’s ki. As his ki approaches, you direct your ki to flow in the same direction as his ki intends to go. Now both your ki and his ki are one, flowing in the same direction. Difference is that you are centered and he is not. Since he extends ki with intent to hit you and you let him keep extending ki, he is overextended. Maybe he is trying to regain his centering. Now you can lead his ki and direct it. One very important point to lead the mind is keeping the proper distance. Ma-ai is the safe distance between you and another person. With proper ma-ai you can lead someone’s mind easily. If you are too close you may be injured. However, if you are too far away you cannot lead his mind.
When an attack comes you must remember to deal with the mind and flow of ki, not with the physical. If you can lead the mind, the body must follow. To do so you must have a strong flow of ki yourself. When your flow of ki is strong, this energy travels out from your center part to your fingers and continues from your fingertips into the universe. We call this extending your ki. One may have such a strong flow of ki that it is not necessary to physically touch your opponent in order to throw him. The ki flowing from your fingertips is sufficient. We call this kokyu-nage, “the touchless throw.”
學會正確的呼吸：
When you breathe you must fill your entire lungs with air. … It is no secret; it is the natural way. It is how you breathe automatically when you are asleep. The proper breathing method gives us the most energy with the least amount of work. Once mastered it is effortless.
夫妻相處：
My wife and I have never fought in more than forty-two years of marriage. Maybe we had some harsh words once, but I cannot remember when. We are connected through the ki of the universe. Because we are so close our ki is constantly flowing back and forth to one another. To fight with her would be like fighting with part of myself. This attitude must extend to everyone, not only those close to you. If you hate just one person, it makes it hard to love anyone. When we appreciate all that is around us, it makes our love for those close to us even stronger.
用劍之道：
When using boken hold it gently, the way a little baby grabs your finger. A baby holds softly but the grip is snug and firm. To learn proper swinging of boken, stand in front of a leaf hanging five feet above the ground. Swing the boken down, just touching the leaf, but without causing it to move. Swing slowly and smoothly. Keep practicing with the boken until you can touch the leaf without moving it. You must come to a complete stop when you touch. Complete stop means mind must stop first. This is just the beginning.
After you know this, swing boken fast, at full speed. Swing and swing. Each time just touch the leaf – just touch.
To move the boken quickly, you must move your mind quickly. It’s not the idea to just try swinging boken more quickly. Your mind must move as fast as the boken or you are not in control of the movement. Boekn is in control of you in that case. This is not good. We must teach the mind to move swiftly, only then can we train the body to follow.
To stop the boken completely your mind must not be tense. The body is the mirror of the mind. If your mind is tense or wanders, the boken will waver instead of stopping completely. If your mind is calm, the boken will stop without even slightest wavering.
Next, practice running toward the leaf and swinging. Same thing: just touch! Soon you can run from any distance, swing at full speed, and stop on a pin head. Then your control is good. Now you can hang several leaves from silk thread all around you. Practice with all of them, swinging in all directions: one, two , three, four, five! Just touch each leaf – no movement. This is very advanced.
We believe our spirit enters the boken as we use it. After many years a part of our spirit is actually in it. For this reason we never let just anybody use our boken. Whoever uses it will affect its spiritual energy.
面對別人的批評指教：
One must always be ready to accept a correction, a criticism, or a different point of view. An individual should be glad when an instructor offers criticism. The instructor is trying to help improve that individual. He should be grateful. Even if the criticism is incorrect, the individual should still respect the instructor’s intentions.
Don’t look to find fault with those who criticize you. I think that this response to criticism is one of the most common. Making less of people does nothing to disprove their observations. For example, someone tells a bricklayer: “The wall you are building is crooked.” And the bricklayer’s reaction is, “What do you know about walls? I make walls all my life. You can’t even mix cement. You never laid a brick in your life, so don’t you tell me my wall is crooked.”
Each criticism must be weighted on its own merits alone. Evaluate the criticism and see if it is correct, regardless of where it came from. You will be the one to profit. You benefit. You improve in everything you do much quicker. It is only human to be imperfect. This truth helps one accept criticism graciously.
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