I am a general pitcher instead of a talent person. Things changing so rapidly make no time to repent. I do always believe one step you move is going to be back in the unpredictable future. The contradiction gets worse between me and the ambience. Yes, we know it's a way for making a prospective vision but it is also a way for training ourselves more endurable and responsible. However, I sometimes heard casual greetings,"how is your preparation on the examination?”, “you must do your duty because you are responsible for this position”, “you take the money so that’s your duty”, “why do you offer your gentleness for them? They don’t even give your money!” …or something shit absurdities like that. Those words really make uncomfortable.
As time passed by, those suggestions becomes no more suggestions, they seemed transmuting themselves as two parallel lines that never meet. When I listen to those greetings one more time, it sounds like a penknife spurring my physical and spiritual parts. My contribution is not aiming for the money, but you always talk about the money. The double-standard totally confused me, is that also an implication that I take the money not just because I had finished what I need to do but because I had taken the money, so I have to do I need to do? It is so ridiculous if making things involved with money, which eliminate passions so fast. I almost can feel the exciting mission impossible is suddenly changed as a grudging mission.
The situation is not what I think at my first glance, when I looked back my diary written in July 2008 as I was in the shit Army Cavalry, “Hopes that everything goes out well till my retirement, then I will plan to prepare the examination for about 3 months, perhaps I have no income that time but I think I can finish the war more quickly.” I always remembered the words that cared about me, “How could you stay at home without income?”, “A man should not be nerdy in the hometown.”, I think “If I work for just 8 hours and that I can still handle some time for me”. The thinking was only a supernova explosion, then I went through a crazy and full 2009 and only and finally went starting to promise my thinking till December 2009. This is not the pretext because only two projects can’t kill the enthusiastic forkball pitcher. I also spent much time for relieving recruits and writing notes. “You need to earn some time for yourself because you are no longer a young man.”. I always hear words like this. It sounds like “the catch 22”, which indicates a case for an U.S. army soldier wants to submit an application for no mission in the future because he has some mental illness, but the true is how a "mental" person applies by “his” own self ?
I try to treat myself as a working horse just because I think I am responsible. Responsible means we can do something beneficial to descendants, we can do something earlier in case we meet the problem. The time I spent is worthy in my opinion, but you sometimes asked me why you do not make your time. I need the inspiration but not the accusation for the time waster. Now I had prepared, how about others without preparations? They don’t need to do preparations due to it’s only a routine in the life, thus please let no responsibilities on them. However, if I knew this guy treat the mission as only a routine in the life, am I necessary to spend my vitality for him or her? If yes, maybe we save time for them it's a great salvage; if not,ooops, how the cruel man you are! Please be responsible! Or, take them as my own employees? That will always be a paradox. (Ah ha, Where is my guiding star?)
For avoiding the recurrence of crazy 2009, maybe I need to institute a watershed for cutting myself,my lazy self, my dreaming self, my working horse self, my complaining self, my pitcher self, my selfish self…etc. The mistake for late -realizing to do a small thing for me is such catastrophic. Countless denunciation really hurts me, sounds like this position is so criminal for me, I don’t know I am deserved or not deserved it.
“Able people do much more things”, this is why the world can be normally processed and it’s also a black hole draining anything. I, a small general person, a 1-year-hire assistant, not even a big maestro nor a PhD student (maybe for the exposure about the PhD plan is a such big mistake) nor a splendor alumnus, I am only a person trying to struggle out the mire and figure out myself and hope to go through my own seeking passage.
“If I could know I still have to do at last, then I will do, for free.”
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