( SF SHORT SHORT STORY) 幽默大師 黃海
他已經八歲了，卻是個瘦小、易怒、霸道、不容易和人相處的孩 子。平常最喜歡打電動玩具，看漫畫書和卡通片，對書本可一點也沒 有興趣，根本看不出有可能成為未來的傑出人物，他的父母親很是操心，有時候為了管教林語堂的拙劣行徑而吵得不可開交。
當初他的父親為他取了一個和中國的幽默大師語堂一樣的名字，就是因為他在娘胎裡，受了胎教，做母親的為了使孩子有傑出偉人的氣質，不斷的在讀林語堂的著作、學習大師的幽默談吐；而且他的爸 爸是個不苟言笑的人，媽媽脾氣也夠暴躁，兩個人在一起，常常像兩 顆炸彈一樣隨時引起可怕的爆炸；如果家裡有一個小孩像從前的幽默 大師林語堂一樣的甘草人物，一定可以調和這兩顆不定時炸彈，成為兩顆可愛飄飛的汽球。
老爸看看小傢伙實在不妙，就帶著小傢伙去拜訪超級電腦公司裡，把一百年前誕生的林語堂的英靈請了出來，這部超級電腦儲存了 林語堂的知識、思想、智慧，等於是林語堂的心靈還活在電腦裡面 ，只是林語堂沒有身體罷了。
「請問林語堂大師，我的兒子與您同名同姓，我的太太為了生他 ，也是以您做為胎教的藍本，為什麼就是不能像您一般出類拔萃，還 是一條可憐蟲、頑皮的小搗蛋？」
「一樣的牌子，不一樣的公司！」
「那，那…」小林語堂的老爸口吃起來，他有被羞辱的感覺。他 再問了一些問題：「我和太太用盡所有的方法去教導他，希望他能夠 多像您一點，就是不知道為什麼總是失…」喋喋不休的說了幾十 分鐘他的教育觀念，好像沒完沒了。
「不錯，老兄，你的『生活的藝術』，難道就是『無所不談』？ 談得未免太多了！」電腦裡林語堂的聲音就是一貫的溫文爾雅，電腦 螢光幕突然閃了幾閃，放射出幾道強光，老爸一時為之目盲，幾乎嚇 呆了。
「教訓兒子，要像女人的裙子一樣，越短越好。」兒子的說的話竟然變得老氣橫秋，有如電腦裡的大師林語堂的語調。老爸一時啼笑皆非。
原來兒子讀到螢光幕上出現的一句話，正是林語堂的名言：「演講要像女人的裙子一樣，越短越好！」（完）
(本文發表於《幼獅文藝》月刊)
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( SF SHORT SHORT STORY)
Master of Humor（幽默大師）
Au thor（原著）: Hwang Hai ( 黃海)
Traslator( 譯者） : Chiang Tsu-chien（蔣祖茜）
He was eight years old, but small in build, irascible, high-handed, and not easy to get along with. It was video games, comics, and cartoons everyday, not the least bit interested in books, and he definitely showed no signs of remarkable a chi evement in the future. His parents were worried out of their minds, and sometimes got into heated battles over disciplining Lin Yutang’s ill behavior.
His father had named him after the famous Chinese Master of Humor, Lin Yutang, because he had already received prenatal education in his mother’s womb. In order for her chi ld to possess the disposition of great men, she read nonstop the works of Lin Yutang, imitating the master’s humorous style of speaking. What’s more, with his father’s sternness and his mother’s hot-enough temper, the parents together were like two bombs, ready for a terrifying explosion at all times. If they had a chi ld in the house, a grassroots character like the Master of Humor Lin Yutang, he or she could surely settle these two time bombs, turning them into two lovely, floating balloons.
Seeing that the little fellow was really not in good condition, dad took him to the Super Computer Company, and called up the spirit of Lin Yutang, who was born one hundred years ago. Stored in this super computer was Old Master Lin’s knowledge, thoughts, and wisdom, meaning that the soul of Lin Yutang is alive in the computer, though without the physical body.
“Excuse me Master Lin, my son has the exact same name as you do, and my wife looked up to you as a model for his prenatal education, so why can’t he be extraordinary like you, but still a mis chi evous, troublesome little monkey?”
“Same brand, different company!”
“But…but…” Yutang Jr.’s dad stammered, feeling insulted. He continued to ask, “My wife and I have used every method we know to guide and teach him, hoping that he can be more like you, but we don’t understand why none of them work…” He rattled on and on, and for a good thirty some minutes he talked about his views on education, going on as if it would never end.
“Right, buddy, so is your ‘art of living’ ‘talking about everything’? That’s rather a bit too much talking!” The voice of Lin Yutang in the computer was as gentle and refined. The computer screen suddenly gave a few flashes, radiating strong rays of light. Dad was temporarily blinded, and nearly frozen with fright.
“When lecturing your son, it should be like a woman’s skirt, the shorter the better.” His son spoke in an overly mature voice, exactly like the tone of Master Lin in the computer. For a moment Dad was caught between laughter and tears.
No wonder. His son had seen a row of words which appeared on the screen, Mater Lin’s famous line, “When giving a speech, it should be like a woman’s skirt, the shorter the better!” (The End）
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