i saw my grandma passed away in the hospital, i was with her the entire time. i knew that it was definitely better for her, but i didn’t want her to go so fast... especially it was only 2 weeks after i went back...
she wasn’t able to talk much...
she slept most of the time, for a few days she would wake up at night and ask me why there was nothing for her to eat.
sometimes she woke up in the middle of the day and ask is it the next day.
sometimes she told me how much she wants do die and not suffer anymore.
sometimes she would be in a really good mood and we would talk for hours.
sometimes she would tell me that she spent so much time raising her grandchildren then my parents too us away from her.
sometimes she held my hands and tell me how much she worries about my parents not being able to get along so i told her that they are getting along just fine.
sometimes she told me things that she observed for the 7 months that she spent in the hospital.
sometimes i watched her when she was sleeping, hoping that she would get better. for twice, i was watching her sleep and i was so worried and started tearing up and she woke up all of a suddent and saw me crying so i lied to her about why i cried... but she didn’t believe me... i don’t remember how many nights i cried myself to sleep worrying about her...
i just wish that i had much more time with her so we can talk about everything.
at the end, i made countless white lies so that she could leave peacefully... and she did.
it was as if she was falling asleep. her respiratory rate started to slow down, then it stopped. i couldn’t stop my tears from fall down my face. i couldn’t stop crying... the nurse didn’t know what to say to me but only handed me tissues... i really hope that we had much more time together so we could talk more and catch up with the 10 years that we spent apart from each other...
真的 很想妳
原諒不孝的我們...
寫於五月下旬 她離開兩個星期後...
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