I heard a sound from itune store " live like we are dying " sing by Kris Allen. Somehow I have a rebound from it. Once again, I felt down when I went home town seeing my family during chinese new year. The biggest secret dig in the deepest of my heart. I cannot tell them but carry with me all along. The fear is flooding me one more time. Although I am trying hard to face it with boldness by myself. But when all my parents' expectations became the burden, I really don't know how to tell them the true. The true is painful and devastating. I don't want to hurt any body especially my family. I doubt how much and long I can bear without crashing down. And all I can do just to do what I can do right now. To make them feel good. To give all I can give within my capability. Ironically, I cannot give them what they want, but at least I can give them what they deserve from me. I live like I am dying.
The antibiotics for my Staphy skin infection ran out right after I left Taipei. I took it for two weeks. Actually it works on my skin pimple like lesions. But they grow back few days after right before they were almost totally gone. Then there are two small dot rash appear on my hands and neck. My toe nails show some depressed line on surface. I have totally no idea what they are. I google it correlate to HIV. They didn't give me certain answer. One of my doctor friend who didn't know I am positive think it's Psoriasis, and rashes look like allergy. But I know it's not. I hope it's not some kind of opportunistic infection. I was negative for all different STD test except HIV. But I am still not sure what else undetectable disease inside me that warn me with all these sign. I need to go back to clinic earlier for them. Even though I bet the doctor will tell me something unbelievable answer to fool me.
And over all, I don't know yet the medications I took are working or not. If not, that's mean I am still in danger of dying soon. Why I got a feeling that my condition actually deteriorating. What if all I got from HARRT medications is only side effect not benefit of improving. There are so many new drugs out there in the market right now when I google them. But what we have here in Taiwan is so behind and minimum. There are even different types or classes of new drug act on CCR5 of fusion, integrase and chemokine co-receptor inhibitor beside from NNRTI, NRTI and PI. But nothing is available here is taiwan. Not even a half old drug one table once a day Atripla. I have not too much to complain about the free medications. They are really incredible high price in US. But I also saw another exactly the same drug same company in different name but made by india with only half price which only provide for asia. But I didn't see the way how to get them to here.
I have so many questions in my mind without answer why. All reliable information I can get are from outside of Taiwan. I know I have to be responsible for myself to get me infected. But who suppose to be responsible for us to provide a proper medical care with dignity. Not too much profit doesn't mean no need to improve and update the advance medicine. I believe not only minority HIV patients need it. There are other patients with different kind of disease need it, too. Sarcastically, all I can do is wishing someday it will change. A better place or not. Live like I am dying. Live like it never come true.
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