My English Blog May I have the swagger to feel I can change the world and the humility to know I have so much more to learn

28愛的鼓勵 0訂閱站台

I hate that I'm checking the email every ten minutes, hoping to see you write me something.

I hate that I'm lingering on the hope that you might want to get in touch.

I hate that you're so fucking aweful to me and yet I still want to hear from you.

I hate that I'm so confused about my feelings for you, I want to crush you, caress you, choke you and make love to you.

I hate that I'm so lonely on Valentines day because I don't want to go out knowing that I have no true feelings for the guy.

Why the hell am I so emotional, so puerile, I can't handle any adult relationships right.

Why do I always fall for the wrong people who are just completely so unfit for me?

Why is it, that I enjoy pain so much more than happiness, that all I want from love is the gut wrenching feeling of love lost?

What the hell is the matter with me?!

And what the heck was I doing leading this other friend on, who I have no romantic feelings for, but flirt with out of boredom anyway?

Why am I such a jackass just like the people who hurt me so bad? Why am I doing to her what I resent people doing to me? Why the hell do I love torturing her the way I felt tortured around them?

Why do I touch her in suggestive ways, hold her hand through the crowd, and stand up for her when I know it'd only make her fall for me even more?

Why oh why I have no answer nor control over my behaviours?

Maybe it's boring otherwise. Maybe I'm so twisted I just want to pass on my pain?

Sometimes I ask myself what I want out of a relationship with no avail. Is it the sexual tension? Is it the self delusion of being in 'love'? Why can't I ever be in a normal relationship - and normal in the sense of one that makes sense - and feel happy and loved and warm and fuzzy for once?! No matter how much I find it boring? Why not give it a shot?

I swear, this is the last Valentines I'm going to spend on my own.

 

 

And God, please make her write to me! I need closure I need closure!! I can't be that pathetic can I??

Ugh! Move on now, move on.