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黑歷史是養份還是毒藥

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【黑歷史的好壞】 

  最近因為知名精神科醫師逆風發文之後,被大批網友出征,甚至揭開她的黑歷史,導致最後關了粉專。於是有不少助人者開始聲援,其中一個論點被拿出來做為論證,那就是一個好的療癒師都曾壞掉過,或者是有其黑歷史。黑歷史滋養了一個療癒師,更能有機會幫助他人。這個論點乍看之下蠻有理的,但細細咀嚼後又覺得有其探討的必要。

   案例1:一位才華洋溢的牧師,不僅能說善道,又會彈琴唱詩,每次帶領聚會,會友跟著他彷彿進入天堂,無不被他的音樂、信息,深深扎入心靈深處,加上又有電視佈道,影響力無遠弗屆。在他聲勢如日中天時,被爆料過去曾有召妓,新聞炸開後,大家不敢置信,一位如此有恩賜的牧師居然公開與私底下竟判若兩人。牧師的事工江河日下,也被所屬的教派予以停職。

  案例2:一個從小在大人的眼中就是調皮搗蛋的小鬼,不愛念書,只會打架、鬧事。甚至後來加入幫派,與人鬥狠逞凶,無所不做。後來入獄的過程中,有人寫信向他傳福音,於是他深自悔悟,出獄後進入神學院就讀,成為誨人不倦的牧師。後來擁有美滿幸福的婚姻,並到處傳得救的福音。

   從以上的兩個例子來看,同樣都是牧師,各有不堪的境遇,我們會怎麼看待一個牧師的黑歷史。

【毒藥vs.養份】

   案例1的牧師,他的境遇恐怕不能算是養份,而要被歸類為是毒藥。人前、人後的反差太大,也導致會友及其他信徒們的不諒解。這一例的牧師,其實有點記憶的人,很快都能查到是誰。如果要搜尋台灣的例子,苦苓苦大師可算是經典人物,當年的苦苓叱吒風雲,寫的書、上的節目,無一不紅,妙語如珠的他,帶來許多對婚姻有憧憬之人,莫不仰望其為導師,冀望能得其開悟。

   但是隨著外遇新聞爆出,加上其妻蘇玉珍所寫《一個作家之死》的書現世,書中許多的情慾影射,讓苦苓也難以招架。於是苦苓只好深山退隱,成了解說員,遠離塵世紛爭。近年來苦苓再度復出螢光幕前,自我解嘲愛情前科犯,婚姻的更生人,儼然將黑歷史成功地轉換成養份而非毒藥。但如果當年苦苓能得到今日眾人的聲援,說他的經驗是一個作家必要的旅程,這說詞看有多少人能相信。

   如果說黑歷史不是經過淬煉、懺悔的旅程,恐怕黑歷史仍舊是黑歷史,無法洗白。因此案例2的牧師確實經驗了這個歷程,而讓他的故事與案例1對比之下,有著不言可喻的價值。

【外顯與內隱】

   然而,黑歷史可以多一個面向的探討,劃分為:外顯與內隱。外顯的黑歷史指涉的像是外遇、召妓、違法亂紀等。電影《悲慘世界》裡的冉阿讓(有的翻譯為尚萬強),只因為偷麵包而被判刑5年,其後因為不斷逃獄,追加到關了19年才讓其重獲自由。即便是重獲自由,仍被賈維爾一直盯上,糾葛不斷。生活上的困頓,再加上假釋的身份,使得冉阿讓無法回歸如同常人般生活。所幸,神父給的恩典,冉阿讓重獲新生,躍入市長高位。

   內隱的黑歷史比較傾向於一個人因為憂鬱、焦慮而致心靈受折磨,甚至出現自殘而致有性命之虞。這類的黑歷史或者疾病、家庭變故等因所形成,長年可能內心不停交戰,使得想法與價值觀呈現幽暗的一面。即便一個人內在長年幽暗,可藉由藥物治療、支持網絡、信仰等而走過死蔭的幽谷。這一類的黑歷史本質並不是傷害到他人,因此就算被揭露到大庭廣眾下,反倒有機會獲得人們的支持。

   冉阿讓的黑歷史曾經是毒藥,但因為神父的恩慈,將毒藥轉化成養份。即使賈維爾對他窮追猛打,但後來因為冉阿讓的恩慈,使得自以為義的賈維爾內在體系崩潰。因此,黑歷史不曾被淬鍊、轉化,恐怕也仍是毒藥。換言之,若冉阿讓當上市長後,繼續表面一個形象,內裡又是雞鳴狗盜,想必過去的黑歷史一旦被挖掘開來,只會被人們唾棄,而不會成為後來的養份!

台長: 丁介陶/George/說故事的人
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