I mean really really really sorry to you and myself when I said "Sorry to let you down."
I want to do something.
I want to be positive.
I want to learn a lot of things.
I still remember that there’s someone has told me that don’t stress myself out, everything will be alright when I’m not eager to do something.
Everytime I think about that there’s someone calls me "Smarty", I feel shamed to myself.
I’m really sorry to let you down.
Everything you see is not the truth.
I’m not good and smart as you thought.
Everytime I think about this, I feel so sad.
I try to tell other that I’m still the strong and happy girl you used to know, but I failed.
Now maybe the reason I’m afraid to be with you guys is I’m afraid to let you know that I’m not the one you thought.
So I tried to avoid you guys or not to talk to you guys too much.
That time someone told that my teacher worries about me, I felt so sorry to let her does.
Why can’t I arrange my life well? Why can’t I set a goal and go to reach it?
So... what should I do now? I still don’t know.
Someone told us junior students that we should study more and more and be prepare for this bad society environment since we just have one and a half years to graduate from school.
Of course we know we should be prepare for that and know how bad the environment is.
But what I really want to know is what is exactly we should prepare for?
What can we do now?
We have to study harder, perform well on studies, and get high scores?
We have to find a job and accumulate the working experience?
We have to go to a cram school?
What is exactly we should do now?
And there’s one thing I really want emphasize is not everyone’s family can afford that.
This is what I call the capitalism in study.
Then? No one can resist and break it.
So what we can do now is accept and tolerate it.
OK, back to the topic.
Anyway, I don’t feel good now.
But don’t worry about me or have compassion on me.
It’s all myself problem and fault.
(Maybe it’s the original sin that I have mentioned to others.)
Today I think myself as a bitch.
I don’t want to think that much.
The less I think, the happier I am.
Try to be innocent not sophisticated!
The most important thing I should change is that just do it and not to hesitate or think too much.
Who can take me away?
Maybe someone can send a killer to kill me.
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