I think I will get sick very soon.
Didn't have dinner for two days, wanna vomit when I saw food, heart couldn't stop from aching whenever I think of him.
Sounds familiar huh? Yes, it happened four years ago. I thought my heart will never ache again, but I was wrong.
I didn't sleep yesterday, just can't stop thinking of him. His words, his face, his actions were like a video tape that kept playing in my mind.
I am still wondering what he meant when he said this today, " I have reserved a table for three (he and his buddy colleague were only two people actually), in case SOMEBODY WANTS TO JOIN LATER......."
WHAT THE ......
He said this in front of my supervisor and me, but I know he was saying this to me. He probably knew.
That's what I hate. I mean, if you know my feelings, please handle it with extra care. Yes, he rejected a girl who liked him for lunch and asked me out to lunch yesterday, as if to proof his concern to me. But it made me wonder if he was compensating something to me.
Oh, God, I am a headache.
He asked me questions from time to time as if he wanted to see if I really liked him. Sometimes I hide my feelings and pretended I was not hearing him. Yes, I was that scared of falling in love. I know I am already falling, yet I want to stay cool as much as I can.
He would never know how sorry I was tonight for not joining him for dinner. I was all by myself in Tsim Sha Tsui harbour, watching the fantastic harbour view and crying. I needed to cry it out. I wanted to talk to someone, but I am afraid...... Yes, I am so so scared of being hurt once again.
He would never understand how much I want to be with him. Even though I sit besides him every day, we are not as close as I want to be. He knew it.
One day he asked me if I was an insecure person. I told him I was 100% insecure person, especially when I fell in love. Since then, he was trying to make me feel secure. You know, the truth is, I am now too scared to risk my feelings once again. My heart bled too much four years ago, that I put it in a refrigerator and now you are warming it for me. I am so so scared.............
I pray to Leslie and wish he can give me some signs.
Need to go to bed and cry for a while.
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