看見花開，便是菩提 寫意自在

577愛的鼓勵 19訂閱站台

Warning, this is going to be a dark post.

I have been struggling lately. On the outside I have no reasons to feel struggle or complain, not even 30 I've reached the top of my profession, yes I have lots more to learn and grow and be better but position wise, I'm at the top of the game and making a name for myself in the industry. I have a seemingly good relationship which like every relationship there are minor arguments every now and then but on the whole we are happy and heading in the right direction. My parents are healthy, my dog is happy, I have a few investments that are doing well, I have a group of friends that hang out every week and have a good time, and I get to travel both for work and for holiday multiple times a year. So things should be good for me right?

The truth is, I have been considering suicide more often now than I have ever been in the past 29 years of my life.

My real struggles, unbeknownst to everyone around me, is hurting deep. Truth is, I have been struggling with being inadequate, and feeling unworthy for the longest time. When situations put me in the power seat, my underlying insecurities overwhelms me, makes me question my every move, every speech, and turns me into this teenager self who is unhappy, angry, proud and easily breakable.

my parents when I was before 10 years old, was something I have always been proud of, and always looked up to. When they decided to concerntratw all their time on business after I turned 10, and neglecting me and my needs growing up, has turned me into a very angry, very insecure teenager. Despite on the surface I still have a good relationship with them, I cannot stop my resentment towards them for all the struggle and lonely times I felt when I was a teenager. I have not learnt to be close to people, I have struggled to relate to people, I feel very little empathy for others and can be very harsh, Ithere was no warmth in my heart because I have not felt it from family. Later I left home and started my self discovery journey, and things got a little better, but I can never be a happy go lucky person, I crave perfection, I crave excellence to make up for the lack of human in me. I have tried to tell my parents about the struggle and tried to forgive them, but they refuse to acknowledge they did anything wrong, which made me hate them even more. I tried to move on, and grow up from this hurt, but every time I struggle or when I feel inadequate the same emotions will come back up like a strong seed sprouting from earth with a just little bit of encouragement. I don't know what to do.

My teenage years and my family have no history. There are blanked out years where I have no any memories of other than my excelling at certain accomplishments. I collect accomplishments like they mean something but deep down they don't, I much prefer a rich family history where I have values and beliefs formed, I have stories to tell.

This is the reason I wanted to give up on my life sometimes. I just want to start over and have a fairer shot at life. Almost all my struggles are about human relations. I have in my mind this perfectly charming and successful person that I should be, reality is I can't be charming or speak like a well bred person from a well bred family. I'm not at the class level I want to be with interesting, sophisticated, well educated opinions and convictions, a social circle that is both intellectually stimulating and adventurous. I feel ashamed to mention my family or talk about my upbringing because I will sound so bitter, I feel like I'm fighting this world alone without backbone or family, and I have nothing good to fall back upon - I'd rather die than going back to my parents losing a battle because theywill only remind me how unpleasant my life had been and why I choose to leave.

I have never been educated in music, although apparently I had a talent. Never given lessons to learn how to paint, despite a teacher from a temporary class told me I should. I have only done okay in one thing but that's far from making me an interesting person. I have even given up reading.

But I'm not going to give up this easily, after all, if I choose to be content with where I have gotten, I will be happy. And if I die, nothing better will come out of it so it's not the best option. I want to figure out why I have such struggle within and if it comes down to having no roots, not embracing my culture background and differentiate myself out from others, don't feeling mainstream enough or feeling elite enough, then I can start rebuild my roots. I can be my own roots. I can be independent to my childhood and how I was bright up, embrace the past is not perfect, and future is of my own making and no one elses.

First thing to acknowledge is, my parents were not smart but they are very hard working. And they do whatever they can to get ahead, even if it means sacrificing me. I'm not smart either but I can work hard too just like them, and I can be resourceful but I can choose to live the moments as well and not sacrifice the good times for the so called future. I can learn from my parents mistakes and better it for myself. I'm not doing it to forgive them but I'm doing it to become better, become positive, and become strong and not weakened by the experience.

Second thing is I can start learning to expand my vocab, learn how to play the guitar and enjoy music, learn how to paint and enjoy art and learn how to expres myself without fear of being judged on imperfections. I can learn to enjoy every day as it comes, plan for the best but allow margins of error, I can take my life from where it is now to the next level where I can have a fulfilling life, despite crawling out of a pit hole that my parents put me in.

I know my strength, I trust in my abilities, I can do better.