Diary to God 051212＠看見花開，便是菩提

2012-12-06 17:52:05| 人氣939| 回應1 | 上一篇 | 下一篇

Diary to God 051212

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Dear God my Father,

I have decided to write to you because I'm not good with my prayers yet. And I have so many things troubling me lately, that I want to formally write to you, keep a record of this conversation so later on I can look back and reflect.

Dear God, I have been stressing out so much lately. In all truth, I don't like people, I don't like most people, and I don't like situations where I have to deal with them. Dealing with people and situations where I'm required to problem solve, convince or console people gives me an immense amount of stress. I can only do it on my good days, on my bad days where I'm already feeling stressed, it drains my energy and propels me to malfunction. However this stress source is impossible to avoid in my line of work, so I have to somehow change myself to adapt.

I ask myself, why don't I like people, why don't like human interactions. Is it because of my neglected childhood, or this loneliness, this saddistically preferred loneliness that I have become so used to, anything else just makes me uncomfortable?

God, I am scarred and I'm foolish, I know what I want to become. Trustworthy of people, responsible, open minded, warm, always laughing, I want these attributes that bring joy in life and to others, but I'm so blind I don't know how to get there. Now I have you I feel less lonely, but times like this I pray that you give me strength to deal with my fear of people, I pray that you show me, make me trust in people again, make me believe in myself to resolve problems, especially problems caused by people.

Please give me strength when I want to run away from problems

Please give me strength when I want to give up

Please show me that I can be more patient with people, and less scared

Please show me that I can be depened on by others

Please give me more faith in depending on you when I'm weak, and trusting you and your love for me

Please change me for the better

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_management_relief_coping.htm

I think of why I'm so accustomed to running away from responsibility when stress piles up. It had to chase back to elementary school when I changed school, when I was teased by this kid and her groupie, instead of facing the challenge I chose to skip school. My first incident of avoiding pressure situations.

I skipped most of high school as well, but nonetheless i got really good marks to go to Uni made me think skipping school, or avoiding problem is the solution to happiness. It can't be harmful, right?

Come to think of it, I didn't make many friends at Uni, and I skipped tons of Uni as well, it seemed I was only at Uni to fulfil a responsibility, and minimal attendance again didn't prevent me from graduating with decent grades that landed me a desirable job. I never realised why I tried to avoid Uni curriculum activities but now I do - I was afraid of people.

Same thing at work, I tried to limit interactions with colleagues outside of work hours, constantly pushing people away so that I remain 'mysterious' - aka safe and untouched by people trying to get close.

It's so silly, sooooo silly as I'm typing this out, thinking out loud of the cause of the root of my problems with people. Why I'm only recently opening up to my close friends whom I've been friends with over 13 years...why for the first time only recently I've shed tears in front of my friends...and only recently I've tried to open up about my worries and weaknesses to them. I've unconsciously trained myself not to trust people, be scared of them, and not to get close to anyone in order to protect myself - I've been doing that all these years, and it gradually builds up, to the point wher I'm having people problems that's at the root of all my stress and I don't even know why before I sat down to write this.

Incredibly silly me, oh my oh my.

So what now? What should I do to heal old scars, what should I do to learn to enjoy people's company, enjoy communicating with people, and enjoy being genuine with people again?

I really need to improve my social skills in order to avoid these unnecessary stress blading up at work.

Dear God, please show me the way. I will do as you instruct, I will do my part 100%, and the rest I leave in my faith to you.

Yours sincerely

我要檢舉

#Diary to God

台長： Tempsfuit