Though I failed the graduate school exam. Well, I had gone home in the summer and I did not prepare it well. The result is not surprising at all, at least for me. But to be told that "You failed", it’s a bit difficult to recover. I was a little bit depressed by it, not becasue being not able to go to the graduate school but just because suffering a failure.
Anyway, things are not that bad, I supposed. Sometimes it is nice to have something to choose from but sometimes, without any choice at all, you have no need to bother thinking of which one to take. On the other hand, I don’t have a very strong will to go to the graduate school nor stay longer in Japan. So, no choice is good choice. In short, all I can do is to think positively.
To be exact, the new semester started yesterday but I realized that just now. We need to go back to the lab after the graduate school admission exam, and do lab work from mon to sat. My schedule was delayed because I needed to study for the exams and finish some homeworks the week before. Since then, I got quite blurred about when the semester finishing and new semester beginning.
In fact, I have no plan for my future. I feel lonely here in Japan(or more exactly, in Tokyo), and I think that home with my parents is the place I can always feel warm and welcomed. Going back to Macau may not be the best thing to do. But so far, I have no idea of what the best is. Meanwhile, there is a limit for my next destination. I somewhat think that going home means my whole life will be settled there and going nowhere any more. Travelling for a few days does not count. I was quite afraid that the freedom I got now will no longer be available. I know that I am both greedy and selfish. I want somewhere warm and safe and still want some adventures. But I am very sure that becoming a scientist and doing lab work all the day is not my ideal style of life. I have neither the passion nor the potential to be so. People in the scientific world, as I know, are racing. Racing to be the first to discover, to finish, to develope, to create. Maybe you say, all the world, not only the scientists, are racing. But, I don’t want to race with all the time. There is a saying, "too fast to live, too young to die". Being a successful scientist, you may enjoy honour from all over the world. But to live an ordinary life, you can enjoy every single day. If you truely love science, of course, you can enjoy your everyday adventure in the scientific world. But for me, I can at most consider it as a job for a living, but no real love. If it is just for earning a living, there are so many kinds you can choose from. Of course, getting into the master course and doctor course doesn’t really mean that you are a scientist. But all I want to say is that it is not my cup of tea.
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