1992年那次的產後憂鬱症，為了語言溝通問題，我回臺灣預計找精神科醫師治療。大哥瞭解我在美國的婚姻生活狀況後，偕同媽媽帶我參加天母長老教會的禱告會。 In 1992, I had postpartum blues. In order to solve my communication problems, I decided to go back to Taiwan for psychiatric consultation and therapy. After my older brother realized my marital situation in the States, he accompanied my mother to bring me to the prayer meeting in Tian-Mu Presbyterian church.
那天晚上，牧師、師母和許多弟兄姐妹特別為我按手禱告。我感覺到有許多的手按在我的頭上、肩膀和背上，如同眾多的使者將我的靈提昇到上帝的寶座前；我更感到自己是如此的虧欠與不配，不由自主地仆倒跪下，痛哭流涕、認罪悔改。 That night, the pastor, his wife, and many brothers and sisters laid their hands on me to pray. I felt many hands over my head, shoulders and back, like multitude of angels lifting my spirit up to the throne of grace. I felt so unworthy. All of a sudden, I knelt down to the Lord, broke up in tears , crying in repentance and confessing my sins.
那時，我憶起美國生活期間，當婚姻中不和諧的壓力臨到時，我容許關心我們的弟兄介入我們的婚姻，目的是為了「懲治」配偶。 At that time, I recalled my life in the States, when pressures and frictions happened in my marriage, I would allow some brothers that care for our marriage to intervene, as a way to punish my spouse.
我在婚姻中的自傲與不聖潔，如同一層厚重的幔子，嚴重地隔絕了通往喜樂的路。在配偶與「安全毯」(security blanket)之間，我試圖運用自己的聰明和力量，來整修婚姻中的衝突與矛盾，其結果是帶來更多的痛苦與傷害。 The pride and impurity I had in marriage were like a layer of thick veil, preventing me to experience the joy I desired to have. In between my husband and a security blanket, I attempted to muster up my own wits and might to repair the conflicts and damages in our relationship, resulting in greater pain and harm.
我們在彼此的猜疑與不信任之中，築起了層層的「危」牆；從此，婚姻成為我們每天都要面對的一種生活壓力。當時年輕氣盛的我們，誰也不服誰。在相持不下之際，我發出一張「是你先負我」的王牌，讓「不按牌理出牌」的報復快感，成為減輕婚姻壓力的行動。 In the miry pond of distrust and suspicion, dangerous walls were erected; as a result, marriage becomes the stress we have to face daily. Our youthful and prideful egos forbade us to be the first to yield. Whenever we were in a deadlock, I would issue the trump card You wronged me first, so that the temporal gratification my tricky schemes of retaliation brought me would alleviate the stress I endured.
婚姻是最大的壓力源 Marriage could be the greatest source of stresses
有人曾試著透過數字分析，顯示婚姻是生活事件中最大的壓力源。倘若以壓力數值最大為100，最小為0加以區分，令人壓得喘不過氣來的十大生活事件中，排行前三名都與婚姻有關，分別是配偶死亡100，離婚73和分居65。 Some people did statistics on the sources of stresses. They found that marriage actually ranked the highest as the source of stress. If the level of stress could be gauged from 100 to 0, 100 being the greatest level of stress, then the first three highest ranking sources of stresses all have to do with marriage. They are : death of a spouse 100, divorce 73, and separation 65.
我分析自己的婚姻壓力，有離婚念頭是在婚後第三年，當時第一個孩子兩歲時；原因是「丈夫晚歸，交待不清楚，與異性有關」。面對婚姻壓力、矛盾、挫折和衝突，我心理本能地退化至青春期的叛逆，那時期的我，動不動就對爸爸丟下碗筷、甩門、不理人，個性叛逆不羈。記得媽媽常說我是「野馬」，在家中待不住。 When I evaluate my own marital stress, the thought of having a divorce emerged in my third year of marriage, when our first child turned two. The reason was that my husband returned home at night late, and did not explain to me clearly why, maybe it has something to do with people of the opposite sex. In dealing with the pressures, conflicts, dilemmas and frustrations of marriage, my intuitive response was to back-track to my adolescent rebellious stage of life. In those days, I would easily threw my chopsticks away, slam the door, or wore a long face to my dad to show my wayward temperament. Mom would label me as a wild horse since I would always be restless at home, seeking peace from elsewhere.
而這份承傳父親血統的個性，在尚未信主之前，我可以理直氣壯地說「有其父必有其女也」，還大言不慚地稱「都是基因惹的禍」！ This impulsive character is inherited from my father. Before I met the Lord, I would unashamedly attribute it to my genes, saying: Like father, like daughter! It's all the genes fault!
那時，教會中有位「熱心」的姐妹見我長得漂亮，卻不如她的「屬靈」，說我是因為環境太順利，才會不夠愛主；於是要特別為我禱告，求主讓我遇到一些挫折和困難。 At that time, there was a sister who was fervent for the Lord. She saw me as prettier but not spiritual as her. So she told me that it is all because that I never experienced much hardship in life, therefore, I did not love the Lord enough. She therefore offered to pray for me, that the Lord would allow me to come across some frustrations and difficulties.
對於這樣的謬論與自以為是，我嗤之以鼻；然而，被激怒後的我，心中懷怨，決定拿她以為「很屬靈的」丈夫「開刀」，讓她看看上帝到底是教訓她還是教訓我。 This kind of absurd observation incensed me. I held a grudge against her and decided to attack her saintly husband. Let's see if the Lord is going to chastise her or me!
投靠倚賴主 Taking refuge in the Lord
「投靠耶和華，強似倚賴王子。」(詩118:9)這句話常在心中響起；可是，婚姻衝突與矛盾所帶來的壓力，早把我淹沒窒息；我根本不懂得如何投靠倚賴這位生命的主。在尋求主與倚賴人兩者之間往返尋愛的人，是世上最矛盾的人。It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man. (Psalm 118:9) This verse would often ring in my heart. But the conflict and friction caused by marriage have already suffocated me. I had absolutely no idea how to take refuge in the Lord of life. You know that the most torturous person on earth is the one who would resort to both the Lord and human rescues. And I was that double-minded one.
我讓自己的靈命光景落在饑餓乾渴的窮困之境；而我卻深切明白「人饑餓非因無餅，乾渴非因無水，乃因不聽耶和華的話。」(摩8:11)許多時候，我以遷怒兒子、怪罪丈夫等解壓行動，來宣洩我在婚姻生活中的心理壓力，把丈夫擺在「寧可住在房頂的角上，不在寬闊的房屋，與爭吵的婦人同住。」(箴21:9)的處境中。 I allowed my own spiritual condition to be in a famine and in an utterly destitute plight. But deep down, I knew full well that the days are coming, declares the Lord, when I will send a famine through the land not a famine of food or a thirst for water, but a famine of hearing the words of the Lord. (Amos 8:11) Many a time I would transfer my anger to my son and blame my husband for situations to alleviate the psychological pressure in my marriage, tormenting my husband like the contentious woman in Proverbs 21:9. It is better to live in a corner of a roof, than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
「大雨之日連連滴漏，和爭吵的婦人一樣。」(箴27:15)我看自己生氣發飆時的樣子，活像是從小把我帶大、三天兩頭背我上舞蹈社習舞的奶奶。小時候，常聽見奶奶生氣時咒罵爺爺，而爺爺總是獨自喝著悶酒，任其情緒發洩；有時，我會為爺爺偷偷流淚。 A constant dripping on a day of steady rain, and a contentious woman are alike. (Proverbs 27:15). When I reflected on how I looked in my fury, I remembered my grandma who took care of me since I had memory. She used to carry me in her back and brought me to dance lessons. Did she not scold grandpa like that for little trifles? No wonder grandpa would resort to liquor to vent his frustrations. Did I not used to secretly weep for grandpa?
長大後，令人不解的事，莫過於罵人架式是無需經過學習或演練；脾氣一來，自動上場「罵人」。吵吵鬧鬧中，我期待丈夫在一夜之間變成我所想要的樣子，而我自己卻落入軟弱與不斷傷害婚姻的行為模式中。Now what I could not figure out was after I grew up to be an adult, it was so effortless for me to be an expert scolder. Whenever I was in the mood of scolding, I can turn on the switch so naturally. In the years of contention, I unknowingly expected my husband to be transformed overnight to who I was dreaming for, but allowed myself to dwell in the slough of depression and the pattern of never-ending fight and harm.
那時，柔和謙卑的主卻時常微聲提醒我：「我不喜悅馬的力大，不喜愛人的腿快。」(詩147:10) In those days, the Lord often reminded me in His gentle and humble still small voice: I do not delight in the strength of the horse; I do not take pleasure in the legs of a man. (Psalm 147:10)
拆毀與建造 Demolition and Rebuild
當婚姻成為壓力之際，何處尋得出路？ When marriage became so stressful, where could you find a way out?
猶記得我們在婚姻壓力與離婚危機後數個月，主興起一個孤單的環境，讓我們北遷至沒有任何華人為鄰的賓州小鎮。 I remember a few months after the peak of our marital stress and crisis of possible divorce, the Lord moved us north to a little town in Pennsylvania, a lonely place where we could find absolutely no Chinese in our neighborhood.
來美畢業後的第一份教書工作，由於請求學校協助辦理移民申請，因此薪津微薄。窮留學生的第一份工作收入，在付房屋租金、車子貸款和生活費用之後，所剩無幾，跟本沒有任何多餘的錢來買書，或找婚姻輔導專家加以診斷治療。This was the first teaching job we got after we immigrated to the States. Due to the need to get permanent resident status through the assistance from the college, we settled with a very skimpy salary. With this first job, after paying the monthly housing rental, car loan and basic commodities, we had hardly any savings left, not to mention the luxury to buy books or to consult a marriage counselor.
表面上，我倆處於除主以外無處「訴」苦(我常哼著「當告訴耶穌」)，並且只能「相依為命」的環境中；事實上，主早已在不遠處為我們預備了「使者書房」。Outwardly, we are stuck with each other, and there was no one else but the Lord to resort to for our troubles. (Which made me hum the melody Tell it to Jesus
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