愛麗絲．不夢遊 still alice

81愛的鼓勵 0訂閱站台

from looking back at what i wrote many years ago
i wrote so much more about life.
but now, a lot of things are so superficial sometimes i hate myself for writing them

i thought i could be different than every other person i know. but more and more i lost to the view of the world, drowned in people’s words about how a person should be like. yet i tell people that i don’t judge a book by its cover. i truly wonder, how true is that? sometimes i feel like i’m lying to myself to make everyone and me feel better.

what’s worse than not being able to admit who oneself truly is? what’s worse than lying to oneself and hoping that it’s the truth that i’m telling. the morals of this world has really suck the life out of me. i’m pursuing someone else’s dream so i won’t look bad in front of people. so i lost myself somewhere along the way. so loneliness scares me. possibility of being the biggest failure anyone has ever known scares me. i keep on pushing myself away from the facts cuz i know i won’t be able to look at them straight in the face and not turn around and run away.

i don’t know when did these things start to take me bit by bit. i don’t know when did i start to not see what’s important in life. i don’t know my goals in life anymore besides make a living that will please people around me. i don’t know the definition of being a successful person. i don’t know what or who i’m doing this for. i lost the focus of my life.

i want to figure it out. i need to figure it out. only then i can be who i truly am. and only then i can take the role of me. the me who’s not the typical college girl, not the typical working woman, not the typical, well-blend asian girl that everyone else wants to be.

i guess i just want to say, can i just be me, please? i don’t want to live under anybody’s shadow. i don’t want to follow anybody’s steps. i want to be different. i don’t want to be typical. i want to be seen as me, no one else.

you kno? my dream job is a secretary, an assistant, or a teacher, not a pharmacist, really. i don’t know when and how you saw me as a happy pharmacist. but i took it and set it as my goal, so i will do this for you. but you can’t limit me to that, when i’m done pursuing your dream, i will pursue mine.