這陣子......很難捱......
跟同學的相處, OSCA preparation, exam preparation, 事奉的能力...連"家庭"...
My mind, my heart, are in a state of over-loaded. 事事衝著我而來------Mental disorder.
......wordless......
15/1晚上......another scar...wordless again. 繼八年前的那一次...今次比那次更想死. 原因剛剛相反, 但"妳"仍舊是我想死的原因.
洗碗. 水自水龍頭處流出, 我的眼淚也如泉水般脫眶而出.
我恨我平時說話不夠聲量, 連哭也哭不出聲來. 哭不出聲, 我只好叫喊起來.
從來也沒想過, 原來我可以叫得如此悽厲......
然後
走進洗手間.
整卷廁紙不消十五分鐘已快要給我用盡. 索性用浴巾蓋著頭.
蓋著頭, 蓋著耳朵, 蓋著眼, 蓋著------我的淚痕.
想不到, 聽不到, 看不到.
躲在洗手間裡個多小時, 只想到"逃走". 有誰可以收留我, 給我一晚的安穩?
沒有.
然後
我想死
想過打破鏡子, 用玻璃片割脈; 想過飲漂白水, 我相信過了良久才會有人發現我; 想過衝到走廊處, 打開窗, 縱身一躍......
想過浸凍水---即使死不了, "燒壞腦", 也可以忘記一切.
但是
我不甘心
我不甘心就此死去. 我的過去, 我的童年, 我的高級程度會考, 我的現在, 早已給妳毀掉. BUT I WON'T LET YOU RUIN MY EXAM, MY FUTURE, MY NURSING PROFESSION, MY CAREER, MY SPIRIT, MY LIFE, MY PERSONALITY, MY MORALE, MY VALUES AND MY FUTURE FAMILY.
I SWEAR!!
我的高級程度會考已給妳毀至體無完膚, 只是我絕不會讓妳有機會破壞我今次這個考試!
"Home", shouldn't be like this. "Home" should be, at least, a shelter for a child, that the child can hide from every thunderstorm in this shelter. However, this is not a shelter to me. This "shelter" is full of thunderstorm, lightning, tsunamics, squall...that I can't find a peace of mind and sense of secure in this "shelter".
I need to get myself out of here.
Who can get me out of here?
No one.
"Long term cost of stress: Facing difficulty--->REPEATED EFFORTS to exert control in situation--->FAIL to achieve the desired effects--->lead to LONG TERM & WIDE RANGING HELPLESSNESS--->resulted in motivational problems and the helpless person may take NO FURTHER STEPS to change his/her situation."
假若妳的愛會帶給我一次又一次的傷害, 那麼我情願妳不要愛我.
假若我愛妳會讓妳有機會一次又一次的傷害我, 那麼我情願不去愛妳.
假若"愛"是等於"傷害", 那麼我情願沒有愛......
我情願作"嗚的鑼, 響的鈸", 也不要再受傷.
我受夠了
滿身(生)的傷痕......帶給我痛楚, 帶給我疲累.
I need wound healing......
"我必使你痊癒,醫好你的傷痕" (耶 30:17)
......何時才能復原......?
誰能救我脫離這困境...?
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