My English Blog May I have the swagger to feel I can change the world and the humility to know I have so much more to learn

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I don't think I like myself very much.

I tend to be very critical of my mistakes, I punish myself for no apparent reason other than to reassure myself that punishment is what I deserve.

It's quite an alarming trait and I don't have a valid reason for it. Perhaps the teenage angst still resides in me?

I aim for perfection, high standards, achievements; and for what? All I wanted was respect and yet because I fail at the goals I set myself against, I don't even respect myself. And for what really?

Growing up I wanted to be this humourous, outgoing, intelligent, respected individual, but is that me? Am I to pretend to be someone I'm not? But, is it wrong to aim for the better self? The argument is, if I could shape who I want to become, doesn't it make sense to be that way? The counter argument is, I cant' be someone I'm not and be happy? Which one is correct? Should we try to be better and aim for perfection or should we just let ourselves be? If I'm to be myself, what is that exactly?

I know one thing for sure, I lack focus. I tend to drift from one goal to another before anything is being completed. This I MUST improve. Most people overestimate what they can accomplish in a year and underestimate their accomplishment in 10 years. Perhaps this is the key? I'm putting myself under too much pressure at the moment to perform - immediately - as oppose to letting myself be, working toward goals at a reasonable pace and expect similarly reasonable outcomes.

Anyway priorities for September:
1. Build vocabulary
2. Improve English grammar
3. Fix share account
4. Watch assigned DVDs
5. Exercise

Accepting the fact that I'm super lazy and prefer to lay around doing nothing, I'm going to enjoy reading, writing, viewing and speaking in English so much that it becomes an obsession. That would be my ultimate goal for 2010. An English addict in making. ha.