cuz i said so

72愛的鼓勵 0訂閱站台

Dear Nathan,

There are some things that I’ve always wanted to say, but I wasn’t sure if I should tell you. But, oh well, I just cant keep the thoughts in my mind and pretend that I didn’t see them.

The time we spent together was the happiest time I had in NY, yet its also one of the most difficult times for me when i was trying to get over u after we stopped seeing each other. Whenever I was happy or sad, I thought of you. Whenever I had new ideas or insights, you were the first person I wanna share with.

You are smart, affectionate, and funny as hell. I liked how you dress, I liked the “N” on your left forearm, I liked your diamond earring, I liked your voice. I loved to talk to you and share every thought with you. I loved going out with you cuz I felt secure being around you. I loved going to movies with you cuz we can walk back to ur place together and share the thoughts on the way. Its actually my favourite time with you; walking on the street on Sunday nite. I loved hanging out with you because you always made me laugh, and I loved to see that I made you laugh too. I loved it that you were always holding me when I fell asleep and when I woke up.

I do remember everything, and I’m sure I remember more things than you do. But also because of that, I had a really hard time trying to get over you, the memories, and the habits. I liked you more than I thought. Ive guessed that you were dating someone else, and thought I would be prepared when they were unveiled. I understand very well that truth aint always palatable. But when it really came out, it’s harder to take than I expected. Remember we talked about the movie “Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind”? That’s the movie came to my mind all the time aftger we stopped seeing each other. Sometimes I hope those memories can be out of my head. But I also realized that theres nothing left between us but memories. It was tough.

What happened that nite at Marquee was a wake up call, but it actually helped me stop calling you again because I didn’t want to and wasnt able to be humiliated again. I got your voice message the next nite, but also saw you with another Asian girl afterwards. U said u were drunk, but I was drunk too. And sometimes people show true feelings when they are drunk. See, I called you when I was drunk, you pushed me away when you were drunk. Now I think back, I was so strong at that time. I cant believe Ive been through all those shit.

I’ve always believed that people treat you as the way you treat them. So Ive treat everyone including you sincerely. I say what I mean. Im lazy and not good at playing games and telling lies. I thought I saw the other side of you, and I really liked that. But I guess I am just too na?ve for you, and for this city. Sometimes I hope I can be a player like you, be so selfish that I can care about no one/nothing but myself like everyone else in this city, or be as crazy as her if only it would be make me happier. The email incident may hurt you, but it hurt me too. But I didn’t wanna bring it up during fashion week cuz I knew uve had enough trouble to deal with, and it’s a tough time for you. I thought that was the only thing I could do for you even though I was suffering too. Ha. Guess I can never be a New Yorker.

I don’t know if it’s a good idea to write you all these because its probably going to be one of the jokes between you and your friends, and you will take it as another triumph to brag. But, maybe just because I am not a new yorker yet, I have more courage to face the true me rather than playing tough, hiding emotions, and walking away withouth making things clear. If I’m going back to Taiwan for good this time, I would regret if I didn’t tell you how much I liked you and how u have been in my life even I was just one of your Asian toys. Maybe its stupid, but thats how I live my life. I did like you with my heart, and Im sorry that I wasnt able to make you like me in return.



Hope you are well : )

Claire


寫玩這封信 平靜很多 部會特別的興奮 也部會特別的難過 就只有平靜
或許 我一直很害怕 他不知道我有多喜歡他 因為我從一開始就不斷的掩飾
或許他知道或不知道 對他來說根本不算什麼
但是一段關係的結束without unveiliing hidden truth 是多大的遺憾
我寫過信罵他 我不回他電話 但是這些東西 只掩飾著我對他還存在著的情感
恨他 氣他 絕對沒有大過我對他的喜歡
我真正的感覺 一直都在那 但是我卻是著要把他erase
只是因為理性告訴我那些情感不應該存在
大家都說要面對 但是到底要面對的是什麼
如果連自己真正的情感都沒辦法面對
所作的所有事 除了自欺欺人還有什麼

這封信 是個宣言 告訴N也告訴我自己
在紐約2005 我是如何的喜歡過你, N





"在年輕的時候﹐如果你愛上了一個人﹐請你﹐請你一定要溫柔地對待他。不管你們相愛的時間有多長或多短﹐若你們能始終溫柔地相待﹐那麼﹐所有的時刻都將是一種無瑕的美麗。若不得不分離﹐也要好好地說聲再見﹐也要在心裡存著感謝﹐感謝他給了你一份記憶。長大了以後﹐你才會知道﹐在驀然回首的剎那﹐沒有怨恨的青春才會了無遺憾﹐如山岡上那輪靜靜的滿月。" ~~ 席慕容 （無怨的青春）