還記得記號學大師 Umberto Eco 吧？
http://mypaper.pchome.com.tw/news/albert9456/3/1285290401/20070430092313
他有一本書叫做《誤讀》。按照我和費小慢的標準，應該就翻成《耍白目的文學名著怕落第》。各位假如還在放暑假，不如就買這本書消暑。已經 quit
higher education 又跑去賣公仔當「奸商一枚」的人，因為還在唸翻譯研究所，建議還是買兩本(英文中文各一本)，放到 To-Do-List 裡，當作正事來做，因為第一篇就是 parody Vladimir Nabokov 的 Lolita!
沒看過中文翻譯，只能推薦英文：真是太精采了！(公仔潛水客要是知道中文翻得如何，請給我們星星量表的評價。)
假如這樣的人真的存在，那麼，除了「蘿莉控」「正太控」就還有「葛妮控」啦！
啊！我的葛妮！我的光！我的熱！我的葛妮！
(這要看過《蘿莉妲》才可能笑得很大聲.....)
Granita. Flower of my adolescence, torment of my nights. Will I
ever see you again? Granita. Granita. Gran-i-ta. Three syllables,
the second and third forming a diminutive, as if contradicting the
first. Gran. Ita. Granita, may I remember you until your image
has become a shadow and your abode the grave.
My name is Umberto Umberto. When the crucial event occurred, I was
submitting boldly to the triumph of adolescence. According to those
who knew me then, and not those who see me now, Reader, in this
cell, haggard, with the first traces of a prophet’s beard
stiffening my cheeks…according to those who knew me then, I was an
ephebe of parts, with that hint of melancholy due, I believe, to the
Mediterranean chromosomes of a Calabrian ancestor. The young girls
I met desired me with all the violence of their burgeoning wombs,
transferring me into the telluric anguish of their lonely nights. I
scarcely remember those girls, as I myself was the horrible prey of
quite another passion; my eyes barely grazed their cheeks gilded in
the slanting sunset light by a silken, transparent down.
I loved, dear Reader, dear Friend! And with the folly of my eager
years, I loved those whom you could call, in your sluggish
thoughtlessness, “old women.” From the deepest labyrinth of my
beardless being, I desired those creatures already marked by stern,
implacable age, bent by the fatal rhythm of their eighty years,
horribly undermined by the shadow of senescence. To denote those
creatures ignored by the many, forgotten in the lubricious
indifference of the customary usagers o sturdy Friulan milkmaids of
twenty-five, I will employ, dear Reader—oppressed here again by the
reflux of an intrusive knowledge that impedes, arrests any innocent
act I might venture—a term that I do not despair of having chosen
with precision: nornettes.
How can I describe, O you who judge me (toi, hypocrite lecteur, mon
semblable, mon frere!), the matutinal prey offered the crafty
fancier of nornettes in this swamp of our buried world? How can I
convey this to you, who course through afternoon gardens in banal
pursuit of maidens beginning to bud? What can you know of the
subdued shadowy, grinning hunt that the lover of nornettes may
conduct on the benches of old parks, in the scented penumbra of
basilicas, on the graveled paths of suburban cemeteries, in the
Sunday hour at the corner of the nursing home, at the doors of the
hospice, in the chanting ranks of parish processions, at charity
bazaars: an amourous, intense, and—alas—inexorably chaste ambush,
to catch a closer glimpse of those faces furrowed by volcanic
wrinkles, those eyes watering with cataract, the twitching movement
of those dry lips sunken in the exquisite depression of a toothless
mouth, lips enlivened at times by a glistening trickle of salivary
ecstasy, those proudly gnarled hands, nervously, lustfully
tremulous, provocative, as they tell a very slow rosary!
Can I ever recreate, Reader-friend, the sinking desperation of
sighting that elusive prey, the spasmodic shiver at certain fleeting
contacts: an elbow’s nudge in a crowded tram—“Excuse me, madam,
would you like a seat?” Oh, satanic friend, how dared you accept
the moist look of gratitude and the “Thank you, you man, how
kind!” when you would have preferred to enact on the spot a bacchic
drama of possession?—the grazing of a venerable knee as your calf
slides between two rows of seats in the pomeridian solitude of a
neighborhood cinema, or the tender but controlled grasp—sporadic
moments of extreme contact!—of the skeletal arm of a crone you
helped cross at the light with the prim concern of an eagle scout....
Umberto Umberto 也拐到一個老奶奶，還帶著她全省大私奔。最後老奶奶被一個年輕無賴拐走，染了一頭金髮又整形拉皮回來。Umberto Umberto 氣極了，拿出槍來：一槍、兩槍、三槍。可惜三槍都沒打到那個無恥的年輕人。
Umberto Umberto 被逮了！被判六個月徒刑，因為他非法攜帶武器，又在禁獵季節狩獵！
******
還沒看過 Lolita 的人就試試 YouTube 吧！兩種電影版本任君挑選。
