I was asked whether to stay at Mackay for fellow training next year yesterday. I wish I would remember the resolution I made.
I almost forget the joy and pleasure I used to have. I used to expect the sunshine and good afternoons but I became lost when holiday comes, like that I have no more important things to do. It became so obvious since last month after the competition ended.
I felt I was not treated as well as I should have been. I should be more valuable. I am so tired of those trivial dislikes among people who work at the hospital. I miss the past me who was a little bit dumb and nervous but tried to do everything as best as I could. The one who doubted for nothing. I am afraid that I think about other posibilities when I was surrounded by kindness, from strangers, even friends. Maybe it's resuted from thinner and thinner self esteem, rotten by life.
It's a waste. I need no more waste because the time already did its best, merely by aging. People fell in love, get merried, and gave birth. But there is nothing I can do to make up the progress.
I still believe there is the one of my destiny. I could tell the passion so accurately that I could not believe I would miss my true love if he passes by. I know the feeling of being admired and I am familiar with the crush I used to have. I understood the power because I used to be attracted and fell deeply. Each move he made decided my joy and sorrow. I would do anything to make him happy.
When it's my turn, I chose not to let this happen again. I don't want to waste other's feelings and time. I would rather keep distance instead of being vague and hopeful. I was afraid that I may have the chance of using the trust and lose it forever.
I want my things back. I am still figuring out the way to take them back. The next step to take, the next stage I must cross, the dreams I used to dreamed, the reality I need to face. I left my hometown for a long time, and I felt stranger when I get back, floating at the big city as well. It's a little bit hard to realize because it seemed I was abandoned as well.
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